=) Bnpositive’s Blog

WARNING: This is a long one!

Some of you may or may not have noticed the post a few days ago about the Great Heely Debate of 2007. As people began commenting on my post, I responded in the comments to let people know I’d respond with a follow-up post later. Here’s the follow-up post as promised.

First, I need to clarify a few things that I failed to mention in my original post.

1. Kim and I had already had an extended discussion that evening on the matter and had come to the agreement that she would take back the Heelys.
2. It was Kim’s idea to put a poll up on the blog to see what other people thought.
3. Kim didn’t think my reasons (which I’ll discuss below) had much merit, or were any more or less legitimate than her own.
4. Kim agreed to submit to my request and authority on the decision, even though as she said she was disagreeing on the inside.

With all of that being said I’d like to say a few things to a few people:

• First to Kim, I apologize (which I’ve already told her in person) for throwing down my initial response and communication in the blog as an “edict” without first having a discussion about it so she could understand all of my why’s behind my decision.
• To everyone that responded in comments. THANK YOU SO MUCH for your time to come to the site, read the post and share your opinions. It was great to hear from so many of you that I haven’t heard from in years.
• To everyone that didn’t understand why in the world I’d do this, or just disagree completely. Relax! In my opinion this was just an open and honest discussion about a question that crossed my path in life.

If you’re still interested in all of this, feel free to continue reading after the jump.

Now let’s get into the details of the discussion.

Here were my reasons for saying no to Ethan getting the Heelys. As I stated in the original post and to Kim. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me and I also don’t expect anyone to say anything that is going to change my mind. However I will state that many of the comments shared by all of you did make me think about how to look at situations like this in the future and respond differently, or just lump this in with all the other “battles” I’d be willing to lose and win the “war”.

My reasons:

• I think Heelys are stupid. I’m sure that if I were a kid I would have wanted a pair. I’m also sure that when I was a kid there were probably a number of things that I wanted and my parents also just said “No” to.
• Kids with Heelys are annoying. All of my experiences with kids wearing Heelys has been that of annoyance. Whether they cut me off personally or flew by me, or I observed them almost running over some other individual, it was just irritating. Honestly, when I see kids doing that I wish they’d trip and fall and make an idiot of themselves. I didn’t want my son to be the one that other adults felt that way about.
• The fad is almost up. This kind of goes with them being stupid, but these things have been out and popular now for over a year. Most things like this don’t last that long, so I don’t think they’ll be all the rage for many more months. When that happens, these shoes will end up being thrown in the bottom of the closet and never used again. Yet, that’s not much different from most other Christmas presents so maybe that reason has even less merit.
• Responsibility. Many comments from people both on the blog and off were that I should let him have them but give him limits to where he can wear them. Not to school, church, or the mall. Now, let me ask you, where does that leave him to wear and enjoy them? These are not made for skating around the streets and sidewalks of your neighborhood. If they were, you’d see kids wearing them out on your street and sidewalks in your neighborhood. Maybe in warmer climates, but not here in Indianapolis. My son is a great kid. He’s also responsible but he’s also just about to turn 8. I’m still working with him on remembering to do his homework and reading, clean his room, empty the kitty litter, don’t leave his DS and paraphernalia everywhere but where it should be, etc. I don’t think we need to add one more thing for him to be responsible for and remember when it’s appropriate to wear these shoes.
• Safety. Although a very minor reason it’s still out there. There have been kids that have rolled into streets and parking lots out of a store and gotten hit and run over. There have been 1,600 injuries reported from these things. Again, this wasn’t a major reason for me because there are other activities I encourage my son to do that also have injury risks (football, basketball, bicycling, climbing trees, running, actually skating, etc.). Even the manufacturer recommends that users wear protective gear during use. How many kids have you seen in the mall or in Kroger wearing anything but their normal clothes and the shoes?

Kim’s biggest argument was that Ethan really wanted the shoes. She thought my only reason for not wanting him to have them was because of the price. She didn’t believe any of my reasons had any merit because there was no moral issue I was opposing in him not having the shoes. I did a bad job of trying to explain my reasoning in our discussions by bringing up other scenarios that may come up in raising our kids that the two of us would disagree on. Most, if not all, of my scenarios came back to some kind of moral judgement and me, playing the devil’s advocate, would disagree on a decision that would go against what Kim and I both honestly agree with morally and biblically. Yet, in all of that, for me it really wasn’t even about the reasons each of us had.

Let’s start wrapping this up. It’s 1:23am, it’s been a long day already and I’ve got another long one ahead of me in 5.5 hours.

For me this entire discussion didn’t really center around the question of whether or not Kim should take back the shoes. It was more a questioning of my own expectation that on some decisions my wife should just accept my request and respect my wishes. Some of you agreed with me on that point, even though (which I’ve already stated) I could have done with a more sensitive spirit. I will be the first to admit that my husband sensitivity skills are in need of improvement. For those that didn’t agree with my thought in that area and said I should pick my battles, couldn’t I also have expected Kim to pick her battles on this one (which she did)?

Some people questioned, “Why are you ‘polling’ us?….If you desire advice, seek wiser counsel than is normally found from we Internet amateurs.”

I wasn’t polling Internet amateurs. I was polling friends and family. I respect the advice I got from everyone and couldn’t have asked for much wiser counsel than what I received, both through the comments on the blog and through a couple of e-mails from other individuals. The poll was posted publicly and although I thought there might be some “unknowns” that responded, out of all 30 comments I received, I knew everyone and if I had the opportunity and ease to call each of you up personally or ask you face-to-face, I would have. For me, this medium of “blogging” isn’t much different except that I lose the ultimately valuable “tone” and non-verbal communication that can be read in a more personal conversation.

This question is an example of the type of question that I believe should be asked and addressed in the small groups that many of us are a part of. These are the types of questions that the church should be interested in as a part of our lives. My boss clearly stated that he appreciated the “transparency” exhibited by Kim and I in sharing this with our friends, but worried that those that respond have no “commitment” to our relationship to give the advice that would be better received in a small group setting. Many of those people that responded really only know me, or maybe only know Kim. They have no clue how my relationship with Kim has been over the last 8 years of our marriage. How do I normally treat Kim? How have I acted before in previous disagreements over decisions? What kind of personality does Kim have? How has she acted towards me in previous situations? These are all the things that hopefully our close (in proximity) friends, our small group, and our church can be active participant in for our lives. Yet, I believe the challenge against that today is that for most of us, we don’t want to be seen as vulnerable or “damaged” in front of our friends, much less the “church” where everyone is expected to be perfect and without blemish.

Whew! This official can be recorded as my longest blog post ever. If you’ve hung in there with me this long you are to be commended. As with the initial post, I’d love to hear your comments on this one as well!

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